Reflections into October
Let yourself be silently drawn to the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
Moving into the golds, bronzes, flaming leaves of autumn and the chill mornings with the familiar descent of rolling mists into the valley signalling change. The landscape, as ever, paints the backdrop to my emotional and spiritual world. I've been meaning to post here more regularly, but swept away into the energy "out there" in the human world, as well as being pulled magnetically inwards in rather dramatic ways, has limited the expression of (but also fuelled) my creative scope. I've been pen-to-paper, to keep some flow, and managing instagram posts - less of the tarot lately - more of sharing some of the beauty and vulnerability I've been experiencing, held by the changing landscape of my home valley. The rolling steep hills with their vistas, twisted-oak and birch-stand woodlands have been my medicine, my comfort and in some of the more challenging times lately - my lifeline to connection. A new alluring path is emerging, from a long-held resistance inside.
October: surrendering and being.
I am also busying myself with bringing to life my first ceremonial event as Roots & Resonance: a Samhain Fire Circle. More on this separately, as the time approaches for the final weekend in October, just before the Celtic New Year. I am experiencing great freedom and joy in working on this, as though a gift long waiting in the shadows of myself is finally being given space and life! I am also experiencing a curious theme, one that appears frequently at the moment: of exposure. Exposure as a consequence of power: stepping into one's power can also mean stepping into vulnerability.
The "coming out" of my largely hidden side (in adulthood at least) as a spiritual healer, as the solitary witch and my role as Seer. No longer just reserved for my private ceremonies and rituals, or the trusted few in my life who I feel safe enough to reveal this to - but to my wider community. I feel like this alchemy of empowerment, excitement, nervousness, letting go of resistance and creativity is creating some kickback from the rest of my "self-out-there-in-the-world" e.g. the work I do in more authoritative, bureaucratic settings, places where I historically feel judged, isolated for my views and struggle to keep up with the pace and the complexity of human capitalist systems.
This has recently drawn me to explore many related themes, such as learning to see my empathic nature with more compassion and to consciously navigate with this (rather than focusing on the limitations and exhaustion that can come with it). I've also been researching, loosely, the witch hunt times in Europe and beyond (a subject I am loathe to go too deeply within, as it provokes some depth and wounds that stretch beyond this life and go into ancestral depths I am cautious to excavate / invite). The despair of the witch hunt themes that still show themselves in these turbulent times of ecocide and patriarchal corporate control. That still play out in subtle and less subtle ways, and recently very much apparent in global events.
How have these experiences have shaped (my) identity? How do they exist in (my) DNA, shaping fears and the resulting fierce protection of my spirituality (and also triggered recently my sexuality / gender expression too) and latent abilities / skills therein? How the grief and rage lives inseparably here, and identifying and manifesting the opportunities to transmute those feelings into creativity. To ultimately re-committing myself, time and time again, to the path of accommodating rather than excluding more of myself into my life path. We are all in this position to some extent, I feel it around me, as people constantly make choices or live in ways that become eventually or sometimes very visibly detrimental to their health, free flow, relationships and true gifts.
I understand the language of sacrifice. The scars are in blood, bone and spirit. In ceremony, we can bring all of these parts of ourselves, or as many as we can live with in the moment - and find some peaceful release in a timeless, held space of gratitude, joy, release and community. Reviving what is lost, what has been burnt, stolen, indoctrinated-out. A radical or soft action, simple demarcation all parts of us know without words necessary (ritual accesses the subconscious - deep places for healing). A Rite of Passage. Adapting to our unique experiences of spirit and making safe space for expressing that. Held by the inspirations of many who came before: the timeless and diverse human stories given expression, personal / primal evocations of landscape, wild spirit, cosmic alignment and seasonality. Writing this helps me see where the inspiration for the Samhain Fire Circle I am holding lies.
The conflict between feeling intense rage and injustice at cutting off vital soul-parts, combined with deep spiritual love for earth and those who inhabit, and the desire to bring gifts out into the world (in the self, others, diverse community) is one that feels relentless at times, though certainly not a lonely one - even if it can feel painfully isolating at times. I've been seeking support this past week, reaching out from my solitary ways (I will always be a solitary spirit-weaver and hedge witch at heart, but made to share, facilitate and collaborate). Meeting new healers (whether on instagram, in books or in person) to help light up the path and metaphorically cut through the dead wood and thickets that prevent the free-flow, to seek out the "barriers within yourself that you have built against it..." - also from Rumi. As I walk into a more community-facing role as Seer, this feels important and welcome.
I am with the below quote just now (as I look forward to a breakfast of porridge oats with chopped apples from our tree, cinnamon and nuts). My dreams wild with doubt, power, ancestral deathbeds and fear of nakedness in new skin. October: the month of vivid highlights resonating in warm, velvet darkness. Wherein new seeds incubate. Take tender care of the vulnerable soul; nourish it with sweet summer-ripened fruits and clean the hearth fire for burning, gestating and rest / nest.
We try to tame the things that scare us. Self knowledge is no different. We hide our deep wisdom, our intuition, our needs and desires. Apple asks, "what have you forbidden yourself?"
The above quotation comes with beautiful apple imagery from Author and Herbalist Maia Toll.
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